We all feel love in many different ways. While one person feels love through touch another person may feel love through communication. These are two examples but there are truly many ways and combinations of ways that leads a person to experiencing this feeling. What makes it even more complex is that we are all so very different in regards to our perception of what is needed to experience this. This further adds to the disconnect that many couples experience.

Most people’s needs are very specific and when you discover them it’s like a “magic button” that will trigger their feelings of excitement, passion, gratitude and love. Finding your partners secret button can be a little tricky but once you discover it you can truly take your love and relationship to a new deeper level. This “magic button” around understanding your partner can generate extreme levels of trust, happiness, love and passion. When both partners put this practice in place you can take your relationship to a level well beyond any relationship that they have had in the past.

There are a number of different ways you can figure out your partners “magic button”. The first way is to really be observant of how your partner responds to things. You must truly do this in an unbiased fashion taking your wants and needs out of the equation. One thing that helps you the most in this area is to just ensure you are staying in the present with your partner, not letting your mind wander to other places when spending quality time together and keep your energies focused on your partner. As you build a better level of connection through staying in the present with your partner the next step is to simply ask them. Ask them about the times they have felt the most loved and content by you or previous partners. What specific things do they feel led to those feelings of love and contentment? This takes all levels of assumption out of the equation and lets you truly be there for your partner in the way they need you to be. Like anything practice makes perfect, so don’t give up and stay consistent with getting better in this area.

While it’s not always easy getting to this level of connection with your partner it is truly possible with some effort and persistence. After all you and your partner are worth the time spent, right?

So let’s start by breaking this skill up into segments and understanding them a bit better. The first part of this skill is Heartfelt Understanding. What I mean by heartfelt understanding is being able and willing to connect to your partner’s emotional world. In laymen’s terms this means being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understanding things from their perspective.  When your partner doesn’t feel understood by you the relationship cannot grow and develop. The trick and the power comes in when you can listen to your partner without out judgment and truly understand and feel what they are feeling.  Most people are so worried about their agenda and themselves they over look the one main thing that it takes to make your relationship work and that’s your partner and his or her feelings.  Now that’s not to say that you have to agree with everything that your partner is saying, but they need to feel that you are on their side and understanding their perspectives.

The next part to this skill is being able to put your partner first, because it can’t be about you in a relationship.  The thing is, when you put someone else first and you are not concerned about you it puts you in a place of perceived vulnerability. After all if you aren’t worried about yourself and you’re putting yourself on a limb who’s going to have your back, right? The answer is your partner will if you both are truly committed to this practice, but you both have to have trust and faith in each other.  Scary, right? We’ve all been hurt or let down at some point or another in past relationships or even the one you may be in right now. But I truly believe the end result is amazing if you both can commit to taking this leap of faith and developing this practice. You can’t be your partners observer or critic, you need to develop that inner heart connection and become totally conscious of what your partner needs and feels.  It takes a little practice but I fully believe all the best things in life come as a result of practicing good habits.

There are a number of things you can do to help develop this practice. First be totally selfless, its about your partner not you. No matter how busy you and your partner get in this crazy world have scheduled periods of time where you tend solely to your partners needs and putting your needs second or third. Maybe bring them breakfast in bed, massage their back while talking after a hard day, or just hold them and touch them in ways that make them feel special, and I again emphasize “them”.  For this to work you want to spend time to fully understand what your partner likes and continually refine your approach. Understand what gifts, gestures, touch, or words makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Focus on continually becoming more proficient at loving and pleasing him or her.  One thing I do need to emphasize is that for this to work you both have to be committed to doing this. If one side is consistently putting in and the other partner is just taking with no reciprocation it becomes somewhat of an emotionally cannibalistic relationship that eventually harnesses high levels of resentment by the person that is giving.

One movie I always reference is “The Notebook” , through the course of the movie you see this couple refining this ability to such a high degree that they become what most of society only dreams about becoming, hence the reason there are so many tears flowing through the course of the movie.  Fairytale endings do exist, you just need to know what you want, and prioritize the things that brings what you want to life. In this case its needs to be all about your partner, and your partner needs to have the same mindset towards you. Spend time, talk, explore each other, let your walls down and enjoy each other. A world with a lot of walls and distrust, while it may feel protective in the short term, is a very lonely place in time. Take some chances, after all if you are seeing someone and you care about them aren’t they worth it?

Live life with passion, and not regret. Put your partner first and everything else in life will fall in place because you will then create an unstoppable team formed out of love and understanding.  The possibilities then become endless.

Your way of dealing with relationships actually starts at childhood from the family life you were brought up in. So I did some research to see how many people in the United States came from basically functional families which typically equates to healthy future relationships. But before I go on let me define what functional families consist of. Functional families instill the following at a subconscious level:

-          The ability to operate emotionally, which means you learn to recognize what you feel, put clear labels on your feelings and then are able to tell other people what you feel. Conversely you have the capability of listening to how other people feel, to listen to their feelings and respond.

-          Prepares you as a child to cope intellectually with the world. Meaning, it teaches you to think clearly and accurately without major denial.  How to perceive reality for more or less what it is.

-          Teaches you how to relate in a PRODUCTIVE manner with other people in a relationship, involving discussions that have progression and closure.

So the real question is how many people actually come from healthy and functional backgrounds? My best guess based on statistics is about 20 to 30%. Dysfunctional families can be target by a number of family history factors including divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction and a number of other factors.

Now the strange thing is, if you come from a dysfunctional family and you come into contact with someone from a functional family it is a really strange experience.  It’s almost like you have made contact with an alien from outer space. This is the reason dysfunctional people tend to continually get caught up with other dysfunctional people in relationships and vice versa. People from dysfunctional families can’t relate to people from functional families and they can’t believe that functional people actually grew up in homes that the members were able to identify and talk about feelings, think clearly about reality, express opinions and actually learn to cope with other people. In growing up in a dysfunctional family we lose touch around the reality of what truly is a healthy relationship. People from functional families have learned unconsciously how to relate in a relationship in a productive, healthy and intimate manner with others.  If you come from a dysfunctional family you have leaned unconsciously to relate to others in a destructive style of intimacy.

So if 80% of people come from dysfunctional families, what is normal? It is normal in the United States today to be in dysfunctional relationships. So the real thing we should be seeking is not to be in a normal relationship, but one that is healthy.  A relationship that you and your partner have the ability to truly care about each other, communicate and put the other persons feelings into perspective without denial and dragging in past bad experiences into the current issue at hand.  So you don’t want normal, what you want is Healthy and to beat the norm.

I personally came from a very dysfunctional background that I learned a lot from, I learned a lot about what I don’t want. If you do come from a dysfunctional background you can absolutely become functional, but it takes some work and persistence but it is possible. It becomes even more possible if you surround yourself with other healthy functional people that will help pull you up to where you want to be. It’s about choices that you make around what you want out of life. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again with the expectation of different outcomes. If you truly want that drama free life, in partnerships with high mutual respect then you need to change some of the things you are doing today.

While I am not perfect at being totally functional yet I have come a long way, and its getting better every day because it is a focus to me. One day I hope to be in a place with someone that I no longer need to think on things on a conscious level and revisit those interactions after applying so much thought. I strive to have it on an unconscious level that I do the right things in the first reaction. What I do take pride in at this point is I do have the ability to love, and put someone’s feelings before my own.  I also have the ability to come back and be humble and admit where I am wrong and when I have messed up. I wasn’t able to do that previously it use to be all about me. The best part of a relationship is not the receiving back, but it’s the giving and making your partner feel special everyday without fail with no expectation back because you are doing it because you want to on the purest level. The amazing thing that happens though, in an incredible functional relationship,  Is your partner does start giving back at that same level and it puts you in a place that only 20% of the population has the ability to get to.

Live life with Passion and always live it on the terms that make you happiest. Enjoy!

There are a number of things that can help you prepare and get through these types of issues. The main thing is communication early and often. By nature we all have the following six human needs that need to be met for us to be truely happy they are as follows:

1. Certainty/Comfort. We all want comfort. And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value. – Do you know what your partner is looking for to feel certain, are you articulating to your partner what you need to be certain?

2. Variety. At the same time we want certainty, we also crave variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough UNcertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives. – Is there enough variety to keep your partner happy, if not, what have you done to change that? Have you articulated to your partner what you need to be happy in this area.

3. Significance. Deep down, we all want to be important. We want our life to have meaning and significance. I can imagine no worse a death than to think my life didn’t matter. – Do you make your partner feel significant? Are there things that you think your partner feels are more important you? Have you articulated to your partner what is making you feel un-significant? Sometimes things such as computers, newspapers, TV and other things can make your partner feel very un-significant. These are sometimes habits that can be changed with love, support and most importantly heart felt communication on the matter. Also something could be missing in the area of one of these other 6 areas of human needs that keep your partner focused on the distraction rather then yourself. Through communication you can understand and grow together in the right way.

4. Connection/Love. It would be hard to argue against the need for love. We want to feel part of a community. We want to be cared for and cared about. – One of the biggest issues that causes people to grow apart is this area. Every relationship needs dedicated time regularly to focus on each other, talk, be playful and most importantly connect. With work and kids many people lose this time. Couples sometimes feel the children need to come first, but through focus on you as a couple first you will have the love and happiness that will flow over into your relationship with your children. You will find with dedicated time for yourself and your relationship, many other things will fall into place easily.

5. Growth. There could be some people who say they don’t want to grow, but I think they’re simply fearful of doing so—or perhaps NOT doing so. To become better, to improve our skills, to stretch and excel may be more evident in some than others, but it’s there. – Are you growing as a person? Are you learning new things? Are you growing with your partner? If you’re not growing, your dying. More importantly try doing things and activities with your partner that will allow you to grow together. One example is perhaps getting involved in fitness together and not only growing together daily but increasing your health together to enjoy a long, happy and healthy life together.

6. Contribution. The desire to contribute something of value—to help others, to make the world a better place than we found it is in all of us. – Do you feel as if you are contributing? This is another area that can strengthen your relationship as well. By focusing on community activities or charities together can also help increase your level of happiness and the well being of your relationship.

These six human needs are a must in the psychology realm to be happy. Keep in mind if they are not being met we often we can also meet them in destructive ways that only provide short term bursts of happiness. If you are finding that you are unhappy one or more of these needs are not getting met. If you are not doing these for yourself and your partner is not meeting them either it can lead to unhappiness and the feeling of being lost and confused. Many times these can be overcome by talking with your partner about what has not been feeling good to you. But these conversations need to be based on trust and heart felt connection. Your partner and you need to trust that when you let your partner in it is because they want to make a difference and they care about you. Many people do not let this level of connection happen because of the fear that they can be hurt when someone is so deeply connected to them. Love without this type of connection though is superficial and on borrowed time.

We all want someone to come into our life’s that loves us so much that no matter what obstacles life throws at us they are going to be there and stand the course. No matter what we say or do your partner will still be standing there saying ” I am going to still love you forever”. After all our parents had that for us and and it keeps that relationship in tact for ever, the same principle applies to relationships. When there is unconditional love coming from both partners meeting the above 6 human needs, you will have a love that stands the course of time. If you have thoughts of ending a long term relationship, ensure you think trough the above needs and ask yourself have you truely had the level of communication necessary for successful relationship?

Live Life With Passion Not Regret..

Seeking Attention by Complaining About Your Life

I spoke to someone yesterday who all but refused to talk about the positive aspects of their life.  After listening to their troubles, I asked about some of the cool projects they have going on. Within two sentences, they were back to complaining about pretty trivial things. We all need to share our troubles with friends (or strangers) from time to time, but don’t fall into the habit of turning conversations into your own personal dumping ground 100 percent of the time. It’s an easy way to get attention, but it’s a poor way to view your life.

Throwing off Compliments with Self-Effacing Remarks

It’s okay to say “thank you” when you’re complimented. By making a self-effacing comment, you nearly force the other person to repeat their compliment. Not gracious.  Saying thank you isn’t snobby, like you’re admitting that you think you’re just grand, it’s simply courteous. Besides, you earned it. Saying “thanks” for a compliment reminds that you’re responsible for a lot of the good things in your life.

Fishing for Compliments

“Oh, I look terrible today.” “I just threw it together at the last minute.”  “I’m really not good at things like this!” Please. Stop. Now.

Cutting People off Mid-Sentence

The only time this is okay is when you’re in an intense brainstorming session. Or you’ve got an urgent situation. Or you haven’t seen your best friend in months. Okay, so this habit is kind of elastic, but you get the gist. Most of the time, interrupting just means that you’re missing the best parts of the conversation. Plus, you’re showing your chat partner that you value your own thoughts over theirs. (P.S.: I am also totally guilty of this one! This is the habit that will be hardest to break for me.)

Double-tasking While You Chat

If you’re talking to someone, talk to them.  Don’t browse blogs, don’t jot your to-do list, and please don’t eat while you’re on the phone.  People can tell. And it pisses them off. If you don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time or cut it short.

Focusing on Your Inner Monologue Instead of the Dialogue in Front of You

“Holy crap! That’s a great idea. Wow. What can I say that will sound smart and clever? I really hope they think I’m intelligent. I could touch on symbolism or make a reference to post-modernism. Wait–what did they just ask me?” Stay focused on the other person’s words and points. People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm. Let me think about that for a second.”  Quite the opposite, since it shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously. If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation.

Again, I’m guilty of every single one of these. Any bad habits you’d like to add? Any exceptions that matter? Please feel free to add to the conversation in the comments!

1. Make their lunch to take to work.
2. Leave a note on their pillow with a sweet message.
3. Take on one of their household chores for a week and don’t even mention it.
4. Give them a foot rub. (If their feet are funky, soak a towel in water, microwave it to heat it up, and use it to rub them . Wonderful for them, less gross for you.)
5. Pick up their favorite indulgence at the grocery store.
6. Wear a nice outfit just for them.
7. Light a candle at dinnertime.
8. Automatically choose a movie your partner would enjoy for a night.
9. Make their coffee in the morning.
10. Leave a post-it note on their steering wheel.
11. Sincerely compliment your partner the next time you have a nice thought about them.
12. Put together a mini photo album or slide show of pictures of you together.
13. Put on a favorite song and share a dance. It’s amazing how much closer that 3 or 4 minutes can bring you.
14. Turn down their side of the bed.
15. Offer a hand massage.
16. Tell a friend how much you love your partner.
17. Try their hobby for a day.
18. Gentlemen, open her car door. Ladies, open their door from the inside.
19. Make “I love you” the last words you say to each other before drifting off.
20. Put on their favorite cologne or perfume even if you’re just sitting around the house together.
21. Hold their hand during a movie.
22. Let them tell you about their day and their dreams, and really listen.
23. Make a “Songs That Remind Me of You” playlist on their mp3 player.
24. Towel off their hair after a shower.
25. Have a chilled glass of wine waiting at the end of a long day.
26. IM just to say “hi” on your lunch break.
27. Tell a joke and make your partner laugh.
28. Put more covers back on their side.
29. Ask their opinion.
30. Ask questions before jumping to conclusions.
31. Trust their judgment.
32. Send a handwritten love note in the mail.
33. Arrange for your partner to have a night out with their best friend.
34. Keep their secrets.
35. Call when you’re going to be late.

Remember that loving someone isn’t just a feeling, it’s a series of actions.  What other ways do you show love to that special someone in your life? Remember, love is about putting your partner first.

For years its seems that women had to do most of the work when it came to contraceptive methods. Well, for all the women out there you will be glad to hear that it may not be all up to you anymore. Of course, nothing beats condoms from the perspective of protecting yourself at all levels, but this may be an eventual alternative for you when you are in a monogamous relationship.

A contraceptive pill for men might one day be possible following the discovery of a genetic fault that leads to male infertility, scientists said.

The faulty gene affects the movement of sperm and means they cannot penetrate the membrane of an egg in order to fertilise it.

Scientists hope that by studying the way the gene works they might be able to overcome infertility in some men as well as design a drug that causes a reversible change in the ability of the sperm to fertilise an egg.

They’re sometimes subtle, but to the initiated man, these changes in physiology are signs of what she’s thinking and feeling.

Pupils
If she’s feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. that’s because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever’s exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Bonus: As the inkiness spreads, she’ll start looking better to you, too. Research shows that men rate women with larger pupils as more attractive. time to make your move.

Eyelashes

Hold her gaze for a minute. If she’s blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there’s a good chance she’s on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32% more than those who aren’t. Aside from the obvious, what does that mean for you? put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.

Brain

She’s matching you drink for drink, you’re starting to feel like reenacting Animal House, but she seems like her same old self. What’s the deal? Men and women get different kinds of buzzes: Men lose inhibitions, while women become sedated. If you’re looking to get her into the party spirit, don’t feed her more alcohol. Instead, feed the jukebox. Research shows that mid- to fast-tempo music will make her more social.

Belly

Want to know if it’s a good or bad time to broach a tricky conversation? You can tell if she’s suitably relaxed by her breathing pattern. If her stomach pulls in with each inhala­tion, she’s taking shallow breaths from her chest, which indicates stress. keep your distance. If her abdomen and chest expand with each inhalation, she’s taking deeper, more rhythmic breaths—a sign of relaxation. Go for it.

Nose

Her sense of smell is sharpest first thing in the morning, which, aside from being a good reason to brush your teeth immediately, makes it the best time to impress her with your culinary skills. that’s because 90% of taste is really smell. treat her to a breakfast in bed consisting of warmed banana-nut bread, which has an aroma that, according to one study, increases bloodflow to the vagina. and that may lead to a dif­ferent kind of morning treat.

Chest

Sex flush, a pinkish look to the skin of her chest, occurs during foreplay. It stems from changes in blood pressure and circulation, along with pulse and respiration rates. think of it as her coy way of telling you that if you keep doing what you’re doing, you just might get lucky. another sign that things are working:
A woman’s breasts grow by as much as 25% as things turn hot and heavy.

Small of her back

As she moves toward orgasm during sex, she’ll begin to arch her back. Hold her tight around the small of her back at this point and stay attuned to how much she’s arch­ing. And, for God’s sake, do not let up; maintain the same rhythm and intensity of stimulation until she climaxes. She’ll pay you back for this later, with interest.

Fingernails

Pay attention to her fingers; among the surest signs of anxiety or depres­sion in a woman are body-focused repetitive behaviors, such as skin picking and nail biting. If you see her doing that, don’t nag her to stop; that can send her deeper into a spiral. Instead, gently pull her hand away, give it a squeeze, and hold on to it. Feel the tension ooze right out.

HANDS

If it seems as if she always has cold hands, that’s because she does—almost 3° colder
than yours, possibly more if she’s stressed. Women’s bodies, even more than men’s, are programmed to keep their cores warmer than their extremities. So to warm her hands up, don’t massage them; wrap your arm around her waist. this will warm her core and allow blood to flow back into her hands.

Between her legs

Okay, you know enough about your partner’s menstrual cycle to know when to leave her alone. Now add this to your arsenal: two weeks after her period begins, she will be at her horniest, guaranteed. Female sexual motivation is highest when she’s ovulating. Warning: this is also when she’s most likely to get pregnant.

WORK

1. Are you working on your chosen field?

2. How many hours a week do you work?

3. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?)

4. What is your dream job?

5. Have you ever been called a workaholic?

6. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?

7. Have you ever been fired?

8. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?

9. Do you consider your work a career or just a job?

10. Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

HOME

11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

12. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?

13. Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condo living, with a management company responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?

14. Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?

15. Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?

16. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?

17. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

18. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?

19. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?

20. What is your annual income?

21. Do you pay alimony or child support?

22 Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?

23. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?

24. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person’s salary?

25. Who should handle the finances in your family?

26. Do you have significant debts?

27. Do you gamble?

28. Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?

29. Have you ever been called cheap or stingy?

30. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you’re on a tight budget?

31. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?

32. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

RELATIONSHIP HISTORY

33. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear?

34. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?

35. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn?

36. Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss?

37. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you’re not proud of?

36. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not talked about in your current relationship?

39. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?

40. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you?

41. Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future?

42. Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn’t go through with the wedding?

43. Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment?

44. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you?

SEX

45. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge.

46. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?

47. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?

48. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?

48. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex?

50. Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try and help you feel better?

51. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to keep the peace? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to keep the peace?

52. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?

53. Do you enjoy viewing pornography?

54. How often do you need or expect sex?

55. Have you ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex?

56. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HEALTH

57. How would you describe the current state of your health?

58. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?

58. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows?

60. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness?

61. Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance?

62. Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week?

63. Do you play sports or take exercise classes?

64. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship?

65. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?

66. Have you ever been in a serious accident?

67. Do you take medication?

68. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?

P.. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?

70. Do you see a therapist?

71. Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked?

72. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree?

73. How much alcohol do you drink every week?

74. Do you use recreational drugs?

75. Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?

76. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

APPEARANCE

77. How important is it that you always look your best?

78. How important is your spouses appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical type?

70. Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo?

80. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouses weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?

81. How much money do you spend on clothing every year?

82. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?

83. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks?

84. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss?

85. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or chemistry ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

PARENTHOOD

86. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?

87. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?

88. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?

88. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally?

90. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wife has an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion?

91. Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption?

92. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?

93. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer?

94. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?

95. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child’s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools?

96. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?

97. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?

96. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?

97. How would you handle it if you didn’t like your child’s friends?

98. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?

99. How would you handle it if you didn’t like your child’s friends?

100. In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children?

101. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it’s your choice, or does your partner have a say?

102. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

EXTENDED FAMILIES

103. Are you close to your family?

104. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?

105. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?

106. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?

107. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other’s families?

106. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?

109. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?

110. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

FRIENDS

FRIENDS

111. Do you have a best friend?

112. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day?

113. Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?

114. If your friends need you, are you there for them?

115. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?

116. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?

117. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?

118. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

PETS

119. Are you an animal lover?

120. Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet?

121. Is your attitude Love me, love my dog [cat; potbellied pig]?

122. Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal?

123. Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship?

124. Do you consider pets members of your family?

125. Have you ever been jealous of a partner’s relationship with a pet?

126. Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

POLITICS

127. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action?

128. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?

128. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election?

130. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage?

131. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?

132. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women’s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).

133. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNITY

134. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?

135. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?

136. Do you regularly participate in community projects?

137. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?

138. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?

139. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?

CHARITY

140. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?

141. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity?

142. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the haves of the world to help the have-nots?

143. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MILITARY

144. Have you served in the military?

145. Have your parents or other relatives served in the military?

146. Would you want your children to serve in the military?

147. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action?

148. Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

THE LAW

149. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?

150. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?

151. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?

152. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?

153. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?

154. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.

156. Do you believe it’s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?

156. Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?

157. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEDIA

158. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)?

159. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is?

100. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?

161. Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

RELIGION

162. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?

163. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?

164. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?

185. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised?

166. Do you believe in life after death?

167. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?

168. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person?

169. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion?

170. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?

171. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?

172. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice?

173. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

CULTURE

174. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life?

175. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities?

176. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do? (By the way, if they do, maybe it’s because they are living their lives, while you are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to live your own life?)

177. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and watch them at home?

178. What is your favorite style of music?

179. Do you attend concerts featuring your favorite musicians?

180. Do you enjoy going to museums or art shows?

181. Do you like to dance?

182. Do you like to watch TV for entertainment?

183. Have attitudes or behaviors around popular culture ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LEISURE

184. What is your idea of a fun day?

185. Do you have a hobby that’s important to you?

186. Do you enjoy spectator sports?

187. Are certain seasons off-limits for other activities because of football, baseball, basketball, or other sports?

168. What activities do you enjoy that don’t involve your partner? How important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure activities?

189. How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities?

190. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?

191. Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

192. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you’ll do something wrong or people won’t have a good time?

193. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you?

194. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home?

195. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present?

196. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize with a diverse mix of people?

197. Are you usually the life of the party,” or do you dislike being singled out for attention?

198. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other’s behavior at a social function?

199. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS

286. Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?

201. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?

202. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?

203. Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?

TRAVEL / VACATIONS

204. Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody?

205. Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning?

206. How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses?

207. Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it’s wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places?

206. Do you think it’s important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language?

209. Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

EDUCATION

210. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame?

211. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession?

212. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn’t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?

213. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?

214. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

TRANSPORTATION

215. Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car?

216. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your castle?

217. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car?

218. Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all?

219. How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car?

220. How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?

221. Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket?

222. Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

COMMUNICATION

223. How much time do you spend on the phone every day?

224. Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry?

225. Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails?

226. Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why?

227. Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person?

228. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry?

229. Has modem communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

MEALTIME

230. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run?

231. Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? 232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner?

233. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?

234. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?

235. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?

236. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

GENDER ROLE

237. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this?

238. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?

239. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by equality.

340. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?

341. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well?

242. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?

RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES

243. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?

244. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed?

245. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?

246. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person?

247. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We aren’t born biased, we learn it, and it’s important to trace where it was learned.)

248. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship?

249. What were your family’s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?

250. Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?

251. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?

LIVING EVERY DAY

252. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?

213. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you?

254 Are you a physically affectionate person?

255. What is your favorite season of the year?

256. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?

257. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?

258. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action?

256. How much sleep do you need every night?

260. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?

261. What is your idea of perfect relaxation?

262. What makes you really angry? What do you do when you’re really angry?

263. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?

264. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?

265. What makes you most secure?

266. Do you fight fair? How do you know?

267. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens?

268. What is your greatest limitation?

269. What is your greatest strength?

270. What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring marriage?

271. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality?

272. What makes you most afraid?

273. What drains you of your joy and passion?

274. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?

275. What makes your heart smile in tough times?

276. What makes you feel the most alive?