Your way of dealing with relationships actually starts at childhood from the family life you were brought up in. So I did some research to see how many people in the United States came from basically functional families which typically equates to healthy future relationships. But before I go on let me define what functional families consist of. Functional families instill the following at a subconscious level:

-          The ability to operate emotionally, which means you learn to recognize what you feel, put clear labels on your feelings and then are able to tell other people what you feel. Conversely you have the capability of listening to how other people feel, to listen to their feelings and respond.

-          Prepares you as a child to cope intellectually with the world. Meaning, it teaches you to think clearly and accurately without major denial.  How to perceive reality for more or less what it is.

-          Teaches you how to relate in a PRODUCTIVE manner with other people in a relationship, involving discussions that have progression and closure.

So the real question is how many people actually come from healthy and functional backgrounds? My best guess based on statistics is about 20 to 30%. Dysfunctional families can be target by a number of family history factors including divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction and a number of other factors.

Now the strange thing is, if you come from a dysfunctional family and you come into contact with someone from a functional family it is a really strange experience.  It’s almost like you have made contact with an alien from outer space. This is the reason dysfunctional people tend to continually get caught up with other dysfunctional people in relationships and vice versa. People from dysfunctional families can’t relate to people from functional families and they can’t believe that functional people actually grew up in homes that the members were able to identify and talk about feelings, think clearly about reality, express opinions and actually learn to cope with other people. In growing up in a dysfunctional family we lose touch around the reality of what truly is a healthy relationship. People from functional families have learned unconsciously how to relate in a relationship in a productive, healthy and intimate manner with others.  If you come from a dysfunctional family you have leaned unconsciously to relate to others in a destructive style of intimacy.

So if 80% of people come from dysfunctional families, what is normal? It is normal in the United States today to be in dysfunctional relationships. So the real thing we should be seeking is not to be in a normal relationship, but one that is healthy.  A relationship that you and your partner have the ability to truly care about each other, communicate and put the other persons feelings into perspective without denial and dragging in past bad experiences into the current issue at hand.  So you don’t want normal, what you want is Healthy and to beat the norm.

I personally came from a very dysfunctional background that I learned a lot from, I learned a lot about what I don’t want. If you do come from a dysfunctional background you can absolutely become functional, but it takes some work and persistence but it is possible. It becomes even more possible if you surround yourself with other healthy functional people that will help pull you up to where you want to be. It’s about choices that you make around what you want out of life. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again with the expectation of different outcomes. If you truly want that drama free life, in partnerships with high mutual respect then you need to change some of the things you are doing today.

While I am not perfect at being totally functional yet I have come a long way, and its getting better every day because it is a focus to me. One day I hope to be in a place with someone that I no longer need to think on things on a conscious level and revisit those interactions after applying so much thought. I strive to have it on an unconscious level that I do the right things in the first reaction. What I do take pride in at this point is I do have the ability to love, and put someone’s feelings before my own.  I also have the ability to come back and be humble and admit where I am wrong and when I have messed up. I wasn’t able to do that previously it use to be all about me. The best part of a relationship is not the receiving back, but it’s the giving and making your partner feel special everyday without fail with no expectation back because you are doing it because you want to on the purest level. The amazing thing that happens though, in an incredible functional relationship,  Is your partner does start giving back at that same level and it puts you in a place that only 20% of the population has the ability to get to.

Live life with Passion and always live it on the terms that make you happiest. Enjoy!

We have all read about people who are successful briefly. They win a gold medal, make a fortune, or star in one great movie and then disappear. These examples do not inspire me!

My focus and fascination is with people who seem to do well in many areas of life, and do it over and over through a lifetime. In entertainment, I think of Tom Cruise and Bill Cosby. In business, I think of Ben and Jerry (the ice cream moguls) As a Naval Officer, husband, businessman, politician and now as a mediator and philanthropist on the world stage, Jimmy Carter has had a remarkable life. We all know examples of people who go from one success to another.

These are the people who inspire me! I’ve studied them, and I’ve noticed they have the following traits in common:

1. They work hard! Yes, they play hard, too! They get up early, they rarely complain, they expect performance from others, but they expect extraordinary performance from themselves. Repeated, high-level success starts with a recognition that hard work pays off.

2. They are incredibly curious and eager to learn. They study, ask questions and read constantly! An interesting point, however: While most of them did well in school, the difference is that they apply or take advantage of what they learn. Repeated success is not about memorizing facts, it’s about being able to take information and create, build, or apply it in new and important ways. Successful people want to learn everything about everything!

3. They network. They know lots of people, and they know lots of different kinds of people. They listen to friends, neighbors, co- workers and bartenders. They don’t have to be “the life of the party,” in fact many are quiet, even shy, but they value people and they value relationships. Successful people have a Rolodex full of people who value their friendship and return their calls.

4. They work on themselves and never quit! While the “over-night wonders” become arrogant and quickly disappear, really successful people work on their personality, their leadership skills, management skills, and every other detail of life. When a relationship or business deal goes sour, they assume they can learn from it and they expect to do better next time. Successful people don’t tolerate flaws; they fix them!

5. They are extraordinarily creative. They go around asking, “Why not?” They see new combinations, new possibilities, new opportunities and challenges where others see problems or limitations. They wake up in the middle of the night yelling, “I’ve got it!” They ask for advice, try things out, consult experts and amateurs, always looking for a better, faster, cheaper solution. Successful people create stuff!

6. They are self-reliant and take responsibility. Incredibly successful people don’t worry about blame, and they don’t waste time complaining. They make decisions and move on. Extremely successful people take the initiative and accept the responsibilities of success.

7. They are usually relaxed and keep their perspective. Even in times of stress or turmoil, highly successful people keep their balance, they know the value of timing, humor, and patience. They rarely panic or make decisions on impulse. Unusually successful people breath easily, ask the right questions, and make sound decisions, even in a crisis.

8. Extremely successful people live in the present moment. They know that “Now” is the only time they can control. They have a “gift” for looking people in the eye, listening to what is being said, enjoying a meal or fine wine, music or playing with a child. They never seem rushed, and they get a lot done! They take full advantage of each day. Successful people don’t waste time, they use it!

9. They “look over the horizon” to see the future. They observe trends, notice changes, see shifts, and hear the nuances that others miss. A basketball player wearing Nikes is trivial, the neighbor kid wearing them is interesting, your own teenager demanding them is an investment opportunity! Extremely successful people live in the present, with one eye on the future!

10. Repeatedly successful people respond instantly! When an investment isn’t working out, they sell. When they see an opportunity, they make the call. If an important relationship is cooling down, they take time to renew it. When technology or a new competitor or a change in the economic situation requires an adjustment, they are the first and quickest to respond.

These traits work together in combination, giving repeatedly successful people a huge advantage. Because they are insatiable learners, they can respond wisely to change. Because their personal relationships are strong, they have good advisors, and a reserve of goodwill when things go bad. And finally, none of these traits are genetic! They can be learned! They are free and they are skills you can use. Start now!