We all feel love in many different ways. While one person feels love through touch another person may feel love through communication. These are two examples but there are truly many ways and combinations of ways that leads a person to experiencing this feeling. What makes it even more complex is that we are all so very different in regards to our perception of what is needed to experience this. This further adds to the disconnect that many couples experience.

Most people’s needs are very specific and when you discover them it’s like a “magic button” that will trigger their feelings of excitement, passion, gratitude and love. Finding your partners secret button can be a little tricky but once you discover it you can truly take your love and relationship to a new deeper level. This “magic button” around understanding your partner can generate extreme levels of trust, happiness, love and passion. When both partners put this practice in place you can take your relationship to a level well beyond any relationship that they have had in the past.

There are a number of different ways you can figure out your partners “magic button”. The first way is to really be observant of how your partner responds to things. You must truly do this in an unbiased fashion taking your wants and needs out of the equation. One thing that helps you the most in this area is to just ensure you are staying in the present with your partner, not letting your mind wander to other places when spending quality time together and keep your energies focused on your partner. As you build a better level of connection through staying in the present with your partner the next step is to simply ask them. Ask them about the times they have felt the most loved and content by you or previous partners. What specific things do they feel led to those feelings of love and contentment? This takes all levels of assumption out of the equation and lets you truly be there for your partner in the way they need you to be. Like anything practice makes perfect, so don’t give up and stay consistent with getting better in this area.

While it’s not always easy getting to this level of connection with your partner it is truly possible with some effort and persistence. After all you and your partner are worth the time spent, right?

So let’s start by breaking this skill up into segments and understanding them a bit better. The first part of this skill is Heartfelt Understanding. What I mean by heartfelt understanding is being able and willing to connect to your partner’s emotional world. In laymen’s terms this means being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understanding things from their perspective.  When your partner doesn’t feel understood by you the relationship cannot grow and develop. The trick and the power comes in when you can listen to your partner without out judgment and truly understand and feel what they are feeling.  Most people are so worried about their agenda and themselves they over look the one main thing that it takes to make your relationship work and that’s your partner and his or her feelings.  Now that’s not to say that you have to agree with everything that your partner is saying, but they need to feel that you are on their side and understanding their perspectives.

The next part to this skill is being able to put your partner first, because it can’t be about you in a relationship.  The thing is, when you put someone else first and you are not concerned about you it puts you in a place of perceived vulnerability. After all if you aren’t worried about yourself and you’re putting yourself on a limb who’s going to have your back, right? The answer is your partner will if you both are truly committed to this practice, but you both have to have trust and faith in each other.  Scary, right? We’ve all been hurt or let down at some point or another in past relationships or even the one you may be in right now. But I truly believe the end result is amazing if you both can commit to taking this leap of faith and developing this practice. You can’t be your partners observer or critic, you need to develop that inner heart connection and become totally conscious of what your partner needs and feels.  It takes a little practice but I fully believe all the best things in life come as a result of practicing good habits.

There are a number of things you can do to help develop this practice. First be totally selfless, its about your partner not you. No matter how busy you and your partner get in this crazy world have scheduled periods of time where you tend solely to your partners needs and putting your needs second or third. Maybe bring them breakfast in bed, massage their back while talking after a hard day, or just hold them and touch them in ways that make them feel special, and I again emphasize “them”.  For this to work you want to spend time to fully understand what your partner likes and continually refine your approach. Understand what gifts, gestures, touch, or words makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Focus on continually becoming more proficient at loving and pleasing him or her.  One thing I do need to emphasize is that for this to work you both have to be committed to doing this. If one side is consistently putting in and the other partner is just taking with no reciprocation it becomes somewhat of an emotionally cannibalistic relationship that eventually harnesses high levels of resentment by the person that is giving.

One movie I always reference is “The Notebook” , through the course of the movie you see this couple refining this ability to such a high degree that they become what most of society only dreams about becoming, hence the reason there are so many tears flowing through the course of the movie.  Fairytale endings do exist, you just need to know what you want, and prioritize the things that brings what you want to life. In this case its needs to be all about your partner, and your partner needs to have the same mindset towards you. Spend time, talk, explore each other, let your walls down and enjoy each other. A world with a lot of walls and distrust, while it may feel protective in the short term, is a very lonely place in time. Take some chances, after all if you are seeing someone and you care about them aren’t they worth it?

Live life with passion, and not regret. Put your partner first and everything else in life will fall in place because you will then create an unstoppable team formed out of love and understanding.  The possibilities then become endless.

A good marriage / relationship is based on much more than good sex. But couples who let physical passion drift away lose an essential emotional connection to each other. Often the feelings of romance and attraction that first drew together a man and woman get lost over time. This is because the couple fails to recognize, appreciate and understand the natural differences between the sexes.This lack of understanding can lead to feelings of rejection… frustration… and, ultimately, to sexual and emotional distance.

It is, of course, possible to improve your sex life — and in all likelihood the quality of your marriage / relationship.

SEX AND COMMUNICATION

Both men and women are looking for the same things — connection, intimacy and love. But the ways they go about meeting these needs are different.

For most men, the primary way of connecting is through sex. Women connect primarily through verbal communication.

When a woman feels that her need for communication is not being taken seriously by her partner, she begins to lose her enthusiasm for sex. Similarly, if a man’s sexual needs are not satisfied, his ability to be expressive in other ways tends to diminish.

Fortunately, the opposite is also true. When a woman’s communication needs are met, sex becomes more satisfying to her and she can enjoy it freely. When a man’s sexual needs are regularly satisfied, he is more open to verbal sharing.

When we expect the other person to respond the same way that we would, we get into trouble.

Example: A man comes home from a business trip. Almost immediately, he becomes amorous toward his wife / partner. She says, But you just walked in the door — we haven’t even talked yet. He feels rejected because he doesn’t realize that it isn’t that she doesn’t desire him… rather, she just needs to get in the mood. She feels rejected as well — as though sex is all that really matters to him, when it’s actually his way of wanting to be close to her.

To achieve ongoing intimacy and passion, we need to accept and work with each others sexual and emotional needs — rather than criticize them.

WHAT MEN CAN DO

From a woman’s point of view, one of the most effective forms of foreplay is talking. If at bedtime a man touches his wife / partner gently on the shoulder and says, Tell me about your day — and really listens — he’ll be astonished at how sexually responsive she is likely to be when he reaches for her later. When her thoughts and feelings are valued, a woman experiences the trust that can help her be fully open to sexual intimacy.

Paying attention to romantic rituals is another powerful way for a man to rekindle passion. These rituals don’t have to be elaborate. They include all the little things that show support and caring… the things that say to a woman that her husband / partner is thinking about her and considering her needs.

Some of these rituals are practically universal and often chivalrous — bringing flowers, opening the car door for her, offering to carry heavy loads. Many men have no problem making these thoughtful gestures when they’re courting, but they stop doing them once the relationship is established.

Just because you’ve won a woman’s affection is no reason to stop doing these things. Remember, considerate actions were part of the reason your wife fell in love with you in the first place. Think of them as a way of saying, I love you…you’re special to me. Couples can also develop their own favorite rituals. Again, some of the simplest ones can be the most powerful.

WHAT WOMEN CAN DO

There is nothing inappropriate about a woman asking for more romance if she wants it… but she stands a better chance of having her desires fulfilled if she requests it in a positive way.

Men have a deep-seated need to feel competent and successful. A negative statement such as, You never buy me flowers, will make a man feel as though his wife doesn’t recognize or appreciate the things he does do for her. He’ll think, Why bother trying?

Better: Say to your husband / partner, On your way home, would you please pick up some flowers? Follow this with genuine appreciation — These are beautiful. Thank you.

You might think, It isn’t romantic if I have to ask. But if you don’t ask, how will he know what to do?

Asking gets the ball rolling. By being specific and positive about what you need and expressing appreciation for his efforts, you make it easy for him to succeed — and to feel successful. That success will motivate him to continue making romantic gestures — and eventually, he’ll think of them on his own.

CREATING VARIETY

A major way that men experience intimacy is through a woman’s experience of pleasure.

A man wants to feel successful when he is trying to fulfill a woman — that’s how he bonds with her and feels close to her, whether it’s in seeing how much pleasure she takes in sex or simply basking in her smile when he comes home.

Just as men often stop making little romantic gestures once the courtship stage has passed, women often stop showing their appreciation for the things a man does for them. This tends to make a man feel taken for granted… and he often withdraws.

Nowhere is this more true than where sex is concerned. Often, women don’t realize that when they’re too busy for sex or not in the mood, men view this as rejection. If a man feels rejected enough times, he’ll begin to lose his attraction for his partner… and he’ll stop initiating sex and other kinds of intimacy.

There are also times when a woman may be in the mood for sex but her partner is not.

There’s a startlingly simple solution. If you have developed a broad sexual menu, neither of you will ever have to say no to sex — if you don’t want to.

A good sexual relationship includes not just one style of sex, but several. What I call “healthy home-cooked sex” takes about 30 minutes and allows time for the gradual buildup of passion that many women find most satisfying.

“Gourmet sex” — which might last somewhere between one and two hours — gives both partners the opportunity to be a little more creative in terms of the romantic stage-setting and their sexual experimentation.

Then there are “quickies,” which don’t usually take up much time or energy, but can be satisfying.

Caution: A sex life that is made up mostly of quickies will eventually make any woman feel resentful.

On the other hand, women need to recognize men’s need to be appreciated sexually. When a man feels he won’t be rejected sexually, his attraction for his partner will not only be sustained but will grow over time.

A couple willing to engage in all three sexual styles can make sure that both partners feel cared for.

SAYING WHAT YOU WANT

Communicating about your sexual preferences is a delicate matter. If there are things you would like your partner to do differently in bed, by all means say so — but make sure you do it in a way that makes your partner feel successful… not criticized.

The best time to talk about sexual needs is not when you’re about to have sex, but afterward. And the best way to phrase your request is in positive terms: It felt so good when you… or It might be fun if we tried….

Most people, male and female, are much happier to cooperate if they first get the message that what they’ve been doing is great… and can keep getting better and better.

1. Make their lunch to take to work.
2. Leave a note on their pillow with a sweet message.
3. Take on one of their household chores for a week and don’t even mention it.
4. Give them a foot rub. (If their feet are funky, soak a towel in water, microwave it to heat it up, and use it to rub them . Wonderful for them, less gross for you.)
5. Pick up their favorite indulgence at the grocery store.
6. Wear a nice outfit just for them.
7. Light a candle at dinnertime.
8. Automatically choose a movie your partner would enjoy for a night.
9. Make their coffee in the morning.
10. Leave a post-it note on their steering wheel.
11. Sincerely compliment your partner the next time you have a nice thought about them.
12. Put together a mini photo album or slide show of pictures of you together.
13. Put on a favorite song and share a dance. It’s amazing how much closer that 3 or 4 minutes can bring you.
14. Turn down their side of the bed.
15. Offer a hand massage.
16. Tell a friend how much you love your partner.
17. Try their hobby for a day.
18. Gentlemen, open her car door. Ladies, open their door from the inside.
19. Make “I love you” the last words you say to each other before drifting off.
20. Put on their favorite cologne or perfume even if you’re just sitting around the house together.
21. Hold their hand during a movie.
22. Let them tell you about their day and their dreams, and really listen.
23. Make a “Songs That Remind Me of You” playlist on their mp3 player.
24. Towel off their hair after a shower.
25. Have a chilled glass of wine waiting at the end of a long day.
26. IM just to say “hi” on your lunch break.
27. Tell a joke and make your partner laugh.
28. Put more covers back on their side.
29. Ask their opinion.
30. Ask questions before jumping to conclusions.
31. Trust their judgment.
32. Send a handwritten love note in the mail.
33. Arrange for your partner to have a night out with their best friend.
34. Keep their secrets.
35. Call when you’re going to be late.

Remember that loving someone isn’t just a feeling, it’s a series of actions.  What other ways do you show love to that special someone in your life? Remember, love is about putting your partner first.