We all feel love in many different ways. While one person feels love through touch another person may feel love through communication. These are two examples but there are truly many ways and combinations of ways that leads a person to experiencing this feeling. What makes it even more complex is that we are all so very different in regards to our perception of what is needed to experience this. This further adds to the disconnect that many couples experience.

Most people’s needs are very specific and when you discover them it’s like a “magic button” that will trigger their feelings of excitement, passion, gratitude and love. Finding your partners secret button can be a little tricky but once you discover it you can truly take your love and relationship to a new deeper level. This “magic button” around understanding your partner can generate extreme levels of trust, happiness, love and passion. When both partners put this practice in place you can take your relationship to a level well beyond any relationship that they have had in the past.

There are a number of different ways you can figure out your partners “magic button”. The first way is to really be observant of how your partner responds to things. You must truly do this in an unbiased fashion taking your wants and needs out of the equation. One thing that helps you the most in this area is to just ensure you are staying in the present with your partner, not letting your mind wander to other places when spending quality time together and keep your energies focused on your partner. As you build a better level of connection through staying in the present with your partner the next step is to simply ask them. Ask them about the times they have felt the most loved and content by you or previous partners. What specific things do they feel led to those feelings of love and contentment? This takes all levels of assumption out of the equation and lets you truly be there for your partner in the way they need you to be. Like anything practice makes perfect, so don’t give up and stay consistent with getting better in this area.

While it’s not always easy getting to this level of connection with your partner it is truly possible with some effort and persistence. After all you and your partner are worth the time spent, right?

So let’s start by breaking this skill up into segments and understanding them a bit better. The first part of this skill is Heartfelt Understanding. What I mean by heartfelt understanding is being able and willing to connect to your partner’s emotional world. In laymen’s terms this means being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understanding things from their perspective.  When your partner doesn’t feel understood by you the relationship cannot grow and develop. The trick and the power comes in when you can listen to your partner without out judgment and truly understand and feel what they are feeling.  Most people are so worried about their agenda and themselves they over look the one main thing that it takes to make your relationship work and that’s your partner and his or her feelings.  Now that’s not to say that you have to agree with everything that your partner is saying, but they need to feel that you are on their side and understanding their perspectives.

The next part to this skill is being able to put your partner first, because it can’t be about you in a relationship.  The thing is, when you put someone else first and you are not concerned about you it puts you in a place of perceived vulnerability. After all if you aren’t worried about yourself and you’re putting yourself on a limb who’s going to have your back, right? The answer is your partner will if you both are truly committed to this practice, but you both have to have trust and faith in each other.  Scary, right? We’ve all been hurt or let down at some point or another in past relationships or even the one you may be in right now. But I truly believe the end result is amazing if you both can commit to taking this leap of faith and developing this practice. You can’t be your partners observer or critic, you need to develop that inner heart connection and become totally conscious of what your partner needs and feels.  It takes a little practice but I fully believe all the best things in life come as a result of practicing good habits.

There are a number of things you can do to help develop this practice. First be totally selfless, its about your partner not you. No matter how busy you and your partner get in this crazy world have scheduled periods of time where you tend solely to your partners needs and putting your needs second or third. Maybe bring them breakfast in bed, massage their back while talking after a hard day, or just hold them and touch them in ways that make them feel special, and I again emphasize “them”.  For this to work you want to spend time to fully understand what your partner likes and continually refine your approach. Understand what gifts, gestures, touch, or words makes your partner feel loved and appreciated. Focus on continually becoming more proficient at loving and pleasing him or her.  One thing I do need to emphasize is that for this to work you both have to be committed to doing this. If one side is consistently putting in and the other partner is just taking with no reciprocation it becomes somewhat of an emotionally cannibalistic relationship that eventually harnesses high levels of resentment by the person that is giving.

One movie I always reference is “The Notebook” , through the course of the movie you see this couple refining this ability to such a high degree that they become what most of society only dreams about becoming, hence the reason there are so many tears flowing through the course of the movie.  Fairytale endings do exist, you just need to know what you want, and prioritize the things that brings what you want to life. In this case its needs to be all about your partner, and your partner needs to have the same mindset towards you. Spend time, talk, explore each other, let your walls down and enjoy each other. A world with a lot of walls and distrust, while it may feel protective in the short term, is a very lonely place in time. Take some chances, after all if you are seeing someone and you care about them aren’t they worth it?

Live life with passion, and not regret. Put your partner first and everything else in life will fall in place because you will then create an unstoppable team formed out of love and understanding.  The possibilities then become endless.

Your way of dealing with relationships actually starts at childhood from the family life you were brought up in. So I did some research to see how many people in the United States came from basically functional families which typically equates to healthy future relationships. But before I go on let me define what functional families consist of. Functional families instill the following at a subconscious level:

-          The ability to operate emotionally, which means you learn to recognize what you feel, put clear labels on your feelings and then are able to tell other people what you feel. Conversely you have the capability of listening to how other people feel, to listen to their feelings and respond.

-          Prepares you as a child to cope intellectually with the world. Meaning, it teaches you to think clearly and accurately without major denial.  How to perceive reality for more or less what it is.

-          Teaches you how to relate in a PRODUCTIVE manner with other people in a relationship, involving discussions that have progression and closure.

So the real question is how many people actually come from healthy and functional backgrounds? My best guess based on statistics is about 20 to 30%. Dysfunctional families can be target by a number of family history factors including divorce, alcoholism, drug addiction and a number of other factors.

Now the strange thing is, if you come from a dysfunctional family and you come into contact with someone from a functional family it is a really strange experience.  It’s almost like you have made contact with an alien from outer space. This is the reason dysfunctional people tend to continually get caught up with other dysfunctional people in relationships and vice versa. People from dysfunctional families can’t relate to people from functional families and they can’t believe that functional people actually grew up in homes that the members were able to identify and talk about feelings, think clearly about reality, express opinions and actually learn to cope with other people. In growing up in a dysfunctional family we lose touch around the reality of what truly is a healthy relationship. People from functional families have learned unconsciously how to relate in a relationship in a productive, healthy and intimate manner with others.  If you come from a dysfunctional family you have leaned unconsciously to relate to others in a destructive style of intimacy.

So if 80% of people come from dysfunctional families, what is normal? It is normal in the United States today to be in dysfunctional relationships. So the real thing we should be seeking is not to be in a normal relationship, but one that is healthy.  A relationship that you and your partner have the ability to truly care about each other, communicate and put the other persons feelings into perspective without denial and dragging in past bad experiences into the current issue at hand.  So you don’t want normal, what you want is Healthy and to beat the norm.

I personally came from a very dysfunctional background that I learned a lot from, I learned a lot about what I don’t want. If you do come from a dysfunctional background you can absolutely become functional, but it takes some work and persistence but it is possible. It becomes even more possible if you surround yourself with other healthy functional people that will help pull you up to where you want to be. It’s about choices that you make around what you want out of life. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again with the expectation of different outcomes. If you truly want that drama free life, in partnerships with high mutual respect then you need to change some of the things you are doing today.

While I am not perfect at being totally functional yet I have come a long way, and its getting better every day because it is a focus to me. One day I hope to be in a place with someone that I no longer need to think on things on a conscious level and revisit those interactions after applying so much thought. I strive to have it on an unconscious level that I do the right things in the first reaction. What I do take pride in at this point is I do have the ability to love, and put someone’s feelings before my own.  I also have the ability to come back and be humble and admit where I am wrong and when I have messed up. I wasn’t able to do that previously it use to be all about me. The best part of a relationship is not the receiving back, but it’s the giving and making your partner feel special everyday without fail with no expectation back because you are doing it because you want to on the purest level. The amazing thing that happens though, in an incredible functional relationship,  Is your partner does start giving back at that same level and it puts you in a place that only 20% of the population has the ability to get to.

Live life with Passion and always live it on the terms that make you happiest. Enjoy!

Let’s face it, fostering friendship, love and intimacy comes through opening up and enjoying the full experience of interaction with your partner. The inflection in the voice, the true understanding of the words being said, feeling those words being said from your partners perspective and not to mention the fact that you care enough to put all of your focus in one place at one time for that person on the other end of the line that you care about. When thinking back, how many text messaging conversations do you really remember versus those verbal conversations that you have had. Relationships are built out of quality of time spent and the true question is does text messaging count as quality time? I personally think it doesn’t.

I’ve spent a lot of time bettering myself over the past few years. I spent time learning to love myself because until you truly love yourself you really can’t love others and have fantastic relationships. I also read countless articles and books on self help and relationships. So for the first time in my life I feel I am truly able and capable of loving someone. Even armed with all of this I still continually run into one problem and that is getting caught up in the dreaded text messaging cycle that most couples fall prey to. Now I’m not talking just casual conversations happening via text but also conversations that I would deem quite serious happening though this medium. Words get misinterpreted, the other person can’t feel the inflection in your voice and then communication entirely breaks down.  I would say this probably happens a bit more on the dating scene then when you are married or living with someone because at the end of the day you have to go home to that person which could lend itself to that in person chat.

So if you care about that special someone and you care about your relationship resist that urge to text. Just pick up the phone and start out that call with I’m calling because I care, I care about you and us. There is nothing that would make some ones day more, I know I always get more exciting when I see that special someone’s name come up on caller ID versus my text inbox. People say relationships are work, I only look at things as work that I really don’t care about. So if it seems like a lot of work to pick up that phone and have that courage to go through that nervousness and that courage to have those tough conversations, then I think the true question is, are you where you need to be. Maybe that is why it comes down to using text for everything. Don’t destroy your relationships before they even begin, after all doesn’t that person that could be the one to give you a life time of warm feelings and smiles deserve the best you have to offer every day?

Life if short, live everyday as if it Is your last and live every moment with true passion and you can’t go wrong.

There are a number of things that can help you prepare and get through these types of issues. The main thing is communication early and often. By nature we all have the following six human needs that need to be met for us to be truely happy they are as follows:

1. Certainty/Comfort. We all want comfort. And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value. – Do you know what your partner is looking for to feel certain, are you articulating to your partner what you need to be certain?

2. Variety. At the same time we want certainty, we also crave variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough UNcertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives. – Is there enough variety to keep your partner happy, if not, what have you done to change that? Have you articulated to your partner what you need to be happy in this area.

3. Significance. Deep down, we all want to be important. We want our life to have meaning and significance. I can imagine no worse a death than to think my life didn’t matter. – Do you make your partner feel significant? Are there things that you think your partner feels are more important you? Have you articulated to your partner what is making you feel un-significant? Sometimes things such as computers, newspapers, TV and other things can make your partner feel very un-significant. These are sometimes habits that can be changed with love, support and most importantly heart felt communication on the matter. Also something could be missing in the area of one of these other 6 areas of human needs that keep your partner focused on the distraction rather then yourself. Through communication you can understand and grow together in the right way.

4. Connection/Love. It would be hard to argue against the need for love. We want to feel part of a community. We want to be cared for and cared about. – One of the biggest issues that causes people to grow apart is this area. Every relationship needs dedicated time regularly to focus on each other, talk, be playful and most importantly connect. With work and kids many people lose this time. Couples sometimes feel the children need to come first, but through focus on you as a couple first you will have the love and happiness that will flow over into your relationship with your children. You will find with dedicated time for yourself and your relationship, many other things will fall into place easily.

5. Growth. There could be some people who say they don’t want to grow, but I think they’re simply fearful of doing so—or perhaps NOT doing so. To become better, to improve our skills, to stretch and excel may be more evident in some than others, but it’s there. – Are you growing as a person? Are you learning new things? Are you growing with your partner? If you’re not growing, your dying. More importantly try doing things and activities with your partner that will allow you to grow together. One example is perhaps getting involved in fitness together and not only growing together daily but increasing your health together to enjoy a long, happy and healthy life together.

6. Contribution. The desire to contribute something of value—to help others, to make the world a better place than we found it is in all of us. – Do you feel as if you are contributing? This is another area that can strengthen your relationship as well. By focusing on community activities or charities together can also help increase your level of happiness and the well being of your relationship.

These six human needs are a must in the psychology realm to be happy. Keep in mind if they are not being met we often we can also meet them in destructive ways that only provide short term bursts of happiness. If you are finding that you are unhappy one or more of these needs are not getting met. If you are not doing these for yourself and your partner is not meeting them either it can lead to unhappiness and the feeling of being lost and confused. Many times these can be overcome by talking with your partner about what has not been feeling good to you. But these conversations need to be based on trust and heart felt connection. Your partner and you need to trust that when you let your partner in it is because they want to make a difference and they care about you. Many people do not let this level of connection happen because of the fear that they can be hurt when someone is so deeply connected to them. Love without this type of connection though is superficial and on borrowed time.

We all want someone to come into our life’s that loves us so much that no matter what obstacles life throws at us they are going to be there and stand the course. No matter what we say or do your partner will still be standing there saying ” I am going to still love you forever”. After all our parents had that for us and and it keeps that relationship in tact for ever, the same principle applies to relationships. When there is unconditional love coming from both partners meeting the above 6 human needs, you will have a love that stands the course of time. If you have thoughts of ending a long term relationship, ensure you think trough the above needs and ask yourself have you truely had the level of communication necessary for successful relationship?

Live Life With Passion Not Regret..

Listen, I love to sometimes go camping, but I would never pitch my tent in the middle of a mine field. So the question I pose here is why would you want to enter into a relationship with someone with a lot of conditions. A relationship that you our your partner always has one finger on the self destruct button and one foot hanging out the escape hatch ready to bail? I will love you as long as you do this, this and this but not if you do this, this and this. What this is, is a relationship in the middle of a mine field set for certain destruction and not one of unconditional love with a happily ever after ending.

One example of unconditional love is the love between a parent and a child, no matter how bad either the child or parent screw up the other still loves them and it is clear that they will be there to help and work through the situation. What is the out come of this type of relationship? One that typically lasts for ever, until death do you part, image that? What a novel idea for a relationship in this day and age! Til death do we part, even though it is in every wedding vow.

Now keep in mind it does take two people to have this type of a healthy relationship as I found out over the past couple of years, two people willing to have the courage to take on challenges that they are confronted with, the courage to look your partner in the eyes and discuss any issues no matter how bad they may seem at the time, the courage to stay the course.

Listen, we are all human, we will all make mistakes, some big some small. What it takes to have a healthy relationship is the ability to have courage. Talk when it hurts, try go deeper and understand why your partner did what they did wrong no matter how much it is hurting you at the time, develop the type of relationship that no matter what happens there is nothing taboo when it comes to conversation. What just happened here? Look around, the mines in the mine field just disappeared, open communication is formed, a deep understanding of your partners needs is accomplished and you are on your way to unconditional love. Feels good doesn’t it? If you look at your most successful relationships it has two people doing exactly this, living for each other. The word selfish does not exist in relationships where there is a strong sense of unconditional love.

As an example, I recently got out of a relationship that I felt I had pitched my tent in the middle of that mine field. Except these weren’t mines they were nuclear war heads, linked together by hundreds of invisible trip wires. My partner often ended the relationship every three months that we would soon reunite again after she worked through her mood swings. She did not have the ability to discuss things (which was not with just me, this was often seen in relationships with her friends when issues would arise), often hung the phone up on me or got angry when I was trying to discuss things (because hey u discuss things when they are important to you), made it appear to the world that I was the bad one and never took any accountability on her end (often making me feel as if I were this horrible person) and hid behind other things in life to avoid communications. There was never any accountability taken on her end or the willingness to take a few moments to try and understand each others feelings. These types of people often consider themselves simple people when they are absolutely the most complex and volitile. You never have any understand of them because they have zero ability to communicate anything that is going on within themself. They can communicatate some basics of the situation but they don’t have the ability to reach down deep, take their emmotions, label them and articulate them to others. At times you may even have to check their myspace mood status to see how they are feeling as opposed to having intimate 1 on 1 conversation with them. As ridiculous as that may sound believe it or not that happens alot. If you ever had an unhealthy relationship this may sound way to familiar.

I consider myself a pretty good communicator as you may be able to tell by some of my blogs, but it really takes two people to be successful at it when it comes to relationships. If you are in a reltionship with someone that does not have these skills or is not willing to atleast try to open up and try to develop them, my advice to you would be that your happily ever after may not be with that person, because it does take two. If you want some additional reassuring facts of this look at their track record with their past relationships, especially if they have kids, do they have good relationships with their past partners or is their one of hatred? Because to have a good relationship with an ex-partner, especially if their are kids involved, it takes communication, ability to forgive and more importanty you would of had to have some sort of unconditional love involved at some point. My bet is they always had their finger on that self destruct button much like they have / had it on that button in your relationship, and much like they will have it on the button in their next relationship. What is more ironic about situations like this is that the healthy partner is usually the one chasing the unhealthy partner to talk, discuss things and trying to make it right.

Now, that is not saying these people are bad people, just at some point they were never equipted in life to have a healthy relationship. I can tell you that I wasn’t originally either. It was through a learned process and a desire to have more fullfilling relationships that I became more of a healthy person in this regards. I read books, went to relationship courses, studied the people that had healthy relationships that I wish I had and even at one point got some counsiling so that I could go after my happily ever after ending more successfully. Or I should say go after my happily ever after beginning more successfully.

On a final note, Valentines day is coming up, make sure you plan and make it a special day for you and your partner.

Live life with passion not regret, sieze the day because tomorrow may never come.

A good marriage / relationship is based on much more than good sex. But couples who let physical passion drift away lose an essential emotional connection to each other. Often the feelings of romance and attraction that first drew together a man and woman get lost over time. This is because the couple fails to recognize, appreciate and understand the natural differences between the sexes.This lack of understanding can lead to feelings of rejection… frustration… and, ultimately, to sexual and emotional distance.

It is, of course, possible to improve your sex life — and in all likelihood the quality of your marriage / relationship.

SEX AND COMMUNICATION

Both men and women are looking for the same things — connection, intimacy and love. But the ways they go about meeting these needs are different.

For most men, the primary way of connecting is through sex. Women connect primarily through verbal communication.

When a woman feels that her need for communication is not being taken seriously by her partner, she begins to lose her enthusiasm for sex. Similarly, if a man’s sexual needs are not satisfied, his ability to be expressive in other ways tends to diminish.

Fortunately, the opposite is also true. When a woman’s communication needs are met, sex becomes more satisfying to her and she can enjoy it freely. When a man’s sexual needs are regularly satisfied, he is more open to verbal sharing.

When we expect the other person to respond the same way that we would, we get into trouble.

Example: A man comes home from a business trip. Almost immediately, he becomes amorous toward his wife / partner. She says, But you just walked in the door — we haven’t even talked yet. He feels rejected because he doesn’t realize that it isn’t that she doesn’t desire him… rather, she just needs to get in the mood. She feels rejected as well — as though sex is all that really matters to him, when it’s actually his way of wanting to be close to her.

To achieve ongoing intimacy and passion, we need to accept and work with each others sexual and emotional needs — rather than criticize them.

WHAT MEN CAN DO

From a woman’s point of view, one of the most effective forms of foreplay is talking. If at bedtime a man touches his wife / partner gently on the shoulder and says, Tell me about your day — and really listens — he’ll be astonished at how sexually responsive she is likely to be when he reaches for her later. When her thoughts and feelings are valued, a woman experiences the trust that can help her be fully open to sexual intimacy.

Paying attention to romantic rituals is another powerful way for a man to rekindle passion. These rituals don’t have to be elaborate. They include all the little things that show support and caring… the things that say to a woman that her husband / partner is thinking about her and considering her needs.

Some of these rituals are practically universal and often chivalrous — bringing flowers, opening the car door for her, offering to carry heavy loads. Many men have no problem making these thoughtful gestures when they’re courting, but they stop doing them once the relationship is established.

Just because you’ve won a woman’s affection is no reason to stop doing these things. Remember, considerate actions were part of the reason your wife fell in love with you in the first place. Think of them as a way of saying, I love you…you’re special to me. Couples can also develop their own favorite rituals. Again, some of the simplest ones can be the most powerful.

WHAT WOMEN CAN DO

There is nothing inappropriate about a woman asking for more romance if she wants it… but she stands a better chance of having her desires fulfilled if she requests it in a positive way.

Men have a deep-seated need to feel competent and successful. A negative statement such as, You never buy me flowers, will make a man feel as though his wife doesn’t recognize or appreciate the things he does do for her. He’ll think, Why bother trying?

Better: Say to your husband / partner, On your way home, would you please pick up some flowers? Follow this with genuine appreciation — These are beautiful. Thank you.

You might think, It isn’t romantic if I have to ask. But if you don’t ask, how will he know what to do?

Asking gets the ball rolling. By being specific and positive about what you need and expressing appreciation for his efforts, you make it easy for him to succeed — and to feel successful. That success will motivate him to continue making romantic gestures — and eventually, he’ll think of them on his own.

CREATING VARIETY

A major way that men experience intimacy is through a woman’s experience of pleasure.

A man wants to feel successful when he is trying to fulfill a woman — that’s how he bonds with her and feels close to her, whether it’s in seeing how much pleasure she takes in sex or simply basking in her smile when he comes home.

Just as men often stop making little romantic gestures once the courtship stage has passed, women often stop showing their appreciation for the things a man does for them. This tends to make a man feel taken for granted… and he often withdraws.

Nowhere is this more true than where sex is concerned. Often, women don’t realize that when they’re too busy for sex or not in the mood, men view this as rejection. If a man feels rejected enough times, he’ll begin to lose his attraction for his partner… and he’ll stop initiating sex and other kinds of intimacy.

There are also times when a woman may be in the mood for sex but her partner is not.

There’s a startlingly simple solution. If you have developed a broad sexual menu, neither of you will ever have to say no to sex — if you don’t want to.

A good sexual relationship includes not just one style of sex, but several. What I call “healthy home-cooked sex” takes about 30 minutes and allows time for the gradual buildup of passion that many women find most satisfying.

“Gourmet sex” — which might last somewhere between one and two hours — gives both partners the opportunity to be a little more creative in terms of the romantic stage-setting and their sexual experimentation.

Then there are “quickies,” which don’t usually take up much time or energy, but can be satisfying.

Caution: A sex life that is made up mostly of quickies will eventually make any woman feel resentful.

On the other hand, women need to recognize men’s need to be appreciated sexually. When a man feels he won’t be rejected sexually, his attraction for his partner will not only be sustained but will grow over time.

A couple willing to engage in all three sexual styles can make sure that both partners feel cared for.

SAYING WHAT YOU WANT

Communicating about your sexual preferences is a delicate matter. If there are things you would like your partner to do differently in bed, by all means say so — but make sure you do it in a way that makes your partner feel successful… not criticized.

The best time to talk about sexual needs is not when you’re about to have sex, but afterward. And the best way to phrase your request is in positive terms: It felt so good when you… or It might be fun if we tried….

Most people, male and female, are much happier to cooperate if they first get the message that what they’ve been doing is great… and can keep getting better and better.

For years its seems that women had to do most of the work when it came to contraceptive methods. Well, for all the women out there you will be glad to hear that it may not be all up to you anymore. Of course, nothing beats condoms from the perspective of protecting yourself at all levels, but this may be an eventual alternative for you when you are in a monogamous relationship.

A contraceptive pill for men might one day be possible following the discovery of a genetic fault that leads to male infertility, scientists said.

The faulty gene affects the movement of sperm and means they cannot penetrate the membrane of an egg in order to fertilise it.

Scientists hope that by studying the way the gene works they might be able to overcome infertility in some men as well as design a drug that causes a reversible change in the ability of the sperm to fertilise an egg.

Almost one in five say blonds are sexier than other girls, with just under half saying they had more outgoing personalities.

In total, 52 per cent of men said they would rather marry a dark haired woman because blonds brunettes they are more dependable and sensible – whereas only 18 per cent think blonds would make good wives.

Hairdresser Andrew Collinge, whose brand carried out the poll, said: ‘Our research shows just how much men judge a woman by their hair color.

‘It’s always been said that blonds have more fun and men obviously enjoy going out for dates with blonds as well as upgrading them to girlfriend status.

‘But when it comes to marriage, men seem to opt for brunettes as they see them as more dependable and down to earth.

‘This is really surprising when you think we’re in 2008 and the blond vs brunette debate is still rumbling on – I’m surprised as I thought men were more modern than this.’

Pollsters quizzed 3,000 men, of whom 36% said blonds were sexier against 31% for brunettes.

Nearly 37% thought blondes were more fun, compared with just 32% preferring the company of brunettes.

But 53 per cent thought brunettes more reliable and 49% said they were the most loving.

Also in the brunettes’ favor are their abilities as home organizers and mothers, according to 51% of men questioned; and as cooks, according to 48%.

Fifty per cent of men also admitted their wife’s hair color was different to that of most of their girlfriends.