My journey of enlightenment started 2 years ago when my mom passed away from cancer. At that time I had such an awesome person in my life from a romantic perspective, great friends, and what I would consider a well balanced life. When you lose someone that means so much to you and you don’t deal with the loss you tend to shut down, so no one can touch you in a way that is meaningful. Anything that happens to you that causes immense amounts of sadness, guilt, resentment and pain you, as a person, need to get closure. If you don’t get this closure your mind starts building subconsius walls to protect you. These walls cause you to distance yourself from life, the thing you should always be living to its fullest. Two words best describe this process ” MENTAL DEATH”. Your friends, family and that special someone in your life ultimately loses you so I think Death of yourself is most appropriate way to look at this.

Run, stay busy, ignore the obvious, don’t let the pain catch you, don’t reflect, don’t get to close to anyone are some of the best ways I can describe what goes on in your head. Again, most of this is going on and conciously you really aren’t aware of what you are doing and the pain you are causing to those that are close to you. Friends go away, you ultimately drive that special someone in your life away because they ultimately get tired of trying to connect. Sadness reigns, self esteem drops and ultimately the person everyone loved so much prior to these life altering events experiences DEATH of ones self. Now one might say why not end it just get it over with, well I would be lying if I said that never crossed my mind but I just don’t have it in me to quit at anything its not how my DNA is wired. I do feel sorry for those that aren’t wired in the same way and choose that path so hopefully this journal may help someone that is wired differently push though as opposed to giving up.

Today I sit in front of you writing this as a changed person and it is due to self realization. Two factors played into this for me and that is having someone special in my life that didn’t give up on me coupled with the final leg of the journey and that was getting extremely ill for 2 months with mono. Now I wouldn’t suggest going out and getting mono to hit this point of self realization, because it can absolutely be done without it. Mono gave me 2 months of down time to reflect on my relationships, the past, my priorities what I wanted out of life etc. Instead of mono what I would suggest is the following:

1. Get yourself a note book, sit in a quiet place and just think about you and your life for a while until you get to a point you have a lot of emotion brewing inside.

2. Start WRITTING.. what you want out of life, where you want to go, who you want to be, how you want people to view you etc..etc.. etc.. most importantly if you want that special someone in your life write down what you out of that relationship and how you visualize it.. most important and this is key be VERY descriptive of the above.. when I did this several weeks ago I came up with over 10 pages front and back that taught me a lot about myself.

3. Next.. Start writing again about how having your life like the blue print above would be, how it would make you feel, most importantly not getting it and changing in that direction what pain would it cause.

4. Next… Start writing down everything that is keeping you from making the change and potential ways to get around it. My biggest things stemmed back to some bad interactions I had in life at 10 years old, 23 years old and ultimately my mothers death which happened 2 years ago. What I needed to do to get around these mental issues I had was to deal with the problems and get closure. Closure came when I realized how these life changing events were keeping me from my internal happiness. Hence the self realization.

5. Last step, review, review, review… now that you have this done read it, learn from and keep this document someone handy that will allow you to review it anytime you find yourself slipping.

Now, my self realization did come a bit late. I lost the person that was special and believed in me. She got to a point that she realized the person she fell in love with died and lost her hope. The day she moved on was officially one of the worst days of my life. The past still hurts, but I now have a positive outlook on life through the process of self realization that mono and this person in my life prompted. The journey is one that I will forever be thankful for. The real me is back and I spend every day living life with passion. Now, I don’t claim to be a mental guru, but I have read my share of self help books. I just hope that this article finds itself into just one persons hands that they are able to change their outcome before they lose what they cherish the most in their life as I did.

“Live Life With Passion Not Regret”

In the 1940’s, the psychologist Rene Spitz studied human babies isolated from their mothers. These were the infants of women too poor to care for their children, infants who had been placed permanently in a foundling home. There, the children were kept in what Spitz called “solitary confinement,” placed in cribs with sheets hung from the sides so that the only thing the babies could see was the ceiling. Nurses seldom looked in on them more than a few times a day. And even when feeding time came, the babies were left alone with just the companionship of a bottle. Hygiene in the homes was impeccable. But without being held, loved, and woven into the fabric of a social web, the resistance of these babies was lowered. Thirty four out of 91 died. In other foundling homes, the death rate was even higher. In some, it climbed to a devastating 90%. A host of other studies have shown the same thing. Babies can be given food, shelter, warmth and hygiene. But if they are not held and stroked, they have an abnormal tendency to die.

Two means have been discovered to produce depression in laboratory animals: uncontrollable punishment and isolation. Put an animal in a cage by himself, separated from his nestmates, and he will lose interest in food and sex, have trouble sleeping, and undergo a muddling of the brain.

Tampering with bonds to the larger social organism can have powerful consequences. In humans, feeling you’re unwanted can stunt your growth. The flow of growth hormones, according to recent research, is affected strongly by “psychosocial factors.” Monkeys taken away from their families and friends experience blockage of the arteries and heart disease. On the other hand, rabbits who are petted and hugged live 60% longer.

When their mates die, male hamsters stop eating and sleeping, and often succumb to death themselves. They are not alone. A British study indicated that in the first year after a wife dies, a widower has a 40% greater risk of death. In another study at New York’s Mount Sinai School of Medicine, men who had lost wives to breast cancer experienced a sharp drop in the activity of their immune system one to two months after the loss. A survey of 7,000 inhabitants of Alameda County, California, showed that “isolation and the lack of social and community ties” opened the door to illness and an early demise.

An even broader investigation by James J. Lynch of actuarial and statistical data on victims of cardiovascular disease indicated that an astonishing percentage of the million or so Americans killed by heart problems each year have an underlying difficulty that seems to trigger their sickness: “lack of warmth and meaningful relationships with others.” On the other hand, research in Europe suggested that kissing on a regular basis provides additional oxygen and stimulates the output of antibodies.

Closeness to others can heal. Separation can kill.

The cutting of the ties that bind can be fatal even in the wild. Jane Goodall, the researcher who has studied chimpanzees in the Gombe game preserve of Africa since 1960, saw the principle at work in a young animal named Flint. When Flint was born, his mother adored him. And he, in turn, doted on her. She hugged him, played with him, and tickled him until his tiny, wrinkled face broke out in the broad equivalent of a chimpanzee smile. The two were inseparable.

When Flint reached the age of three, however, the time came for his mother to wean him. But Flo, the mother, was old and weak. And Flint, the chimpanzee child, was young and strong. Flo turned her back and tried to keep her son away from the nipple. But Flint flew into wild tantrums, lashed about violently on the ground, and ran off screaming. Finally, a worried Flo was forced to calm her son by offering him her breast. Later, Flint developed even more aggressive techniques for ensuring his supply of mother’s milk. If Flo tried to shrug him off, Flint struck her with his fists, and punctuated the pummeling with sharp bites.

At an age when other chimps have freed themselves from parental apron strings, Flint was still acting like a baby. Though he was a strapping young lad, and his mother was increasingly feeble, Flint insisted that his mama carry him everywhere. If Flo stopped to rest and Flint was anxious to taste the fruit of the trees at their next destination, the hulking child would push, prod and whimper to get his mom moving again. Then he’d climb on her back and enjoy the ride. When shoves and whines didn’t motivate his mother to pick him up and cart him where he wanted to go, Flint would occasionally give the exhausted lady a strong kick. At night, Flint was old enough to build a sleeping nest of his own. Instead, he insisted on climbing into bed with his mommy.

Flint should have turned his attention from Flo to the other chimps his age, forging ties to the superorganism–the chimpanzee tribe–of which he was a part. But he did not. The consequence would be devastating.

Flint’s mother died. Theoretically, Flint’s instincts should have urged him to survive. But three weeks later, he went back to the spot where his mother had breathed her last and curled up in a fetal ball. Within a few days, he too was dead.

An autopsy revealed that there was nothing physically wrong with Flint: no infection, no disease, no handicap. In all probability, the youngster’s death had been caused by the simian equivalent of that voice which tells humans going through a similar loss that there’s nothing left to live for. Flint had been cut loose from his single bond to the superorganism. That separation had killed him.

Social attachment is just as vital to human beings. Research psychiatrist Dr. George Engel collected 275 newspaper accounts of sudden death. He discovered that 156 had been caused by severe damage to social ties. One hundred and thirty five deaths had been triggered by “a traumatic event in a close human relationship.” Another 21 had been brought on by “loss of sta- tus, humiliation, failure or defeat.” In one instance, the president of a college had been forced to retire by the Board of Trustees at the age of 59. As he delivered his final speech, he collapsed with a heart attack. One of his closest friends, a doctor, rushed to the stage to save him. But the strain of losing his companion was too much for the physician. He, too, fell to the floor of the platform and died of heart failure.

Our need for each other is not only built into the foundation of our biological structure, it is also the cornerstone of our psyche. Humans are so uncontrollably social that when we’re wandering around at home where no one can see us, we talk to ourselves. When we smash our thumb with a hammer we curse to no one in particular. In a universe whose heavens seem devoid of living matter, we address ourselves skyward to gods, angels and the occasional extra-terrestrial.

Our need for other people shapes even the minor details of our lives. In the early 1980s, a group of architects decided to study the use of public spaces outside modern office buildings. For over twenty years, architects had assumed that people long for moments of quiet contemplation, walled off from the bustle of the world. As a consequence, they had planned their buildings with solitary courtyards separated from the street. What the architects discovered, to their astonishment, was that people shunned their secluded spots. Instead, they parked themselves on low walls and steps near the packed sidewalks. Humans, it seemed, had an inordinate desire to gawk at others of their kind.

Even mere distortions in the bonds of social connectedness can affect health. According to a study by J. Stephen Heisel of the Charles River Hospital in Boston, the activity of natural killer cells–the body’s defenders from disease–is low for people who, on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Test, demonstrate depression, social withdrawal, guilt, low self esteem, pessimism and maladjustment. Those who withdraw have pulled away from the embrace of their fellows. Those with guilt are certain that their sins have marked them for social rejection. The maladjusted have failed to mesh with those around them. And those with low self-esteem are convinced that others have good reason to shun them. In the study, low natural killer cell activity wasn’t linked to use of medication, alcohol, marijuana or recent medical treatment–just to measures of impaired social connection.

Meyer Friedman, the doctor who delineated the Type A and Type B personality and its relationship to heart disease, says, “If you don’t think what you do is very important, and if you feel that if you died, nobody’s going to mourn, you’re asking for illness.”

To sum it up you need to stay connected to have a greater chance of living a longer and healthier life. Research demonstrates it and if you look hard enough you can probably also see it in your own social circles. Also be sure to help others that have experienced the loss of a love one stay connected and engaged in their own social circle. As researched demonstrates the loss of a mate can lead to a great chance of depression and loss of life so helping them to keep this connection in other ways is critical.